Much like everyone else here in North America, I've been put on a diet. No, not because I have to, because really, I could stay this size, or get bigger, but I'm not sure how conducive that would be to being a personal trainer in the future. I've put myself on it because I'm tired.
Yes, tired.
Tired of feeling like ass, and tired of whining about how my body feels. Sure, I might fall off the wagon, but if I get to a lower weight than I am currently, I'll be happy. I'm tired of my hypothyroidism taking over and me looking at food and getting fatter. I'm tired of rolling over in bed in the morning and not wanting to get up as these creaky old 28 year old bones grind together in a scrambled unison. I have more injuries than I should at this age, and I feel like I'm 80.
Oh yeah, I'm tired of feeling 80.
So, a diet. I'll be eating a lot of fats, proteins, but little to no carbs. I don't even think that I'm going to go for the typical weekly cheat day that I prescribe for my clients. I think I'm going to go as hard at the diet as I can since my body does feel really crappy right now, making it almost impossible to do the cardio that I would normally do. So that means I have to be super strict on myself, something I have always had a hard time doing.
But I want to do this for other reasons as well.
Last fall, when I originally ended up having issues with nerve pain in the neck, shoulders, back and arms I was doing great. I was sitting pretty at round 260lbs, and eating carbs without gaining weight. I was adding muscle and losing fat as my diet was so very precise, and I was working out doing HIT sessions 3 times a week as well as cardio 2 times a day, 6 days a week. 260 for me is fairly small, considering I've been up to a dat and bloated 300+ pounds, and that I was 235ish when I got married, and in high school I never dipped below 210-220 or so.
But, between the time of injury and current, I've only had a month in the gym. And that was a pretty weak month. I was still getting light nerve pain, but medicated myself after my workouts. After all, I sort of needed to considering that I never stopped lifting HIT (High Intensity Training) where one virtually beats himself to death with barbells and dumbells in the shortest time possible. But having all that time off I've gotten lazy. I've let my diet go, and have gotten up to the 295ish mark, depending on the day and how much food the Tylenol 3 has bunged up inside my intestines.
So, I've lost a lot of muscle, and I've gained a lot of fat. But, I did that to myself, knowing that I'd have to dig myself out with a salad fork, so I'm going to have to suck it up and endure the steaks, chicken breasts, olive oil, peanuts, almonds, eggs, cheese, bacon, sausages, low carb ketchup and all the seasonings that the store has to offer.
I'll have to hit up one of my clients for some of her food ideas, as she eats very succulent foods while managing to stay inside the rules of the diet I've given her. Me, bearing a penis and too much testosterone, usually eat fairly bland food from what the average person does, caring only that it has moo'd, clucked, or oinked in it's past, and that it is served as raw as possible.
So, with some adjustments I should be able to live.
I don't want to sit here wasting my time getting fatter and creating more work for me to do once my body works with me again. I want to hit the gym at the lowest weight that I possibly can once the time comes. I want to feel better. I want to wake up in the morning and have a desire to be conscious, not a permanent wish to sleep till I feel better.
I've already told my wife. If there's a way that I could give up the next year of my life and know that when August 30th 2010 comes around that I feel great and back to 100%, I would do it. To miss out on everything to fill better - anniversary's, birthday's, holiday's - everything. I would give it all up to feel better. I have never felt like that before, and have never wanted to feel good as much as I do now.
But, that's unfortunately not an option. I'm stuck taking it slow, being doped up on pain killers that cause me to be drowsy dizzy, being mentally slower than normal, being in pain, and feeling desparate and hopeless at the same time. Most people if placed in the same position as me would be running to a doctor to declare depression in the hopes that a dopamine genie would come around and make them all happy again.
But I know that wouldn't do it for me.
The only thing that's going to make me happy like I used to be is hoisting 110lb dumbells over my lateral body while I pump them out for reps. The only thing that's going to make me happy again is the sound of 45lb plates on a barbell clanging away as I rip out shrug after shrug of 405lbs's of weight. The only thing that is going to make me happy is deadlifting the same weight I just shrugged for rep after masochistic rep. The only thing that is going to make me happy is looking at my dog after we've just gone for a 45 minute run and knowing that he is all that much more healthier because of it. The only thing that is going to make me happy is to know I'm not a grumpy old man anymore, and that my wife actually can stand being around me.
I think anyone who's been around me in recent months has noticed the deterioration of my attitude. If I haven't left big enough clues, I've changed that when asked how I'm doing I got tired, I now say, "My normal", rather than saying that I feel like crap. Anyone who knows me knows that my normal now is not the normal that it used to be.
[/sigh]
Painfully yours,
Matt
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